As
most people who read this blog have probably noticed, I haven’t posted anything
meaningful in the last five weeks. That is mostly because I was working on Real
Life (T2C). I completed it roughly 8 hours ago and now I can finally come here
and explain where I have been. I have to warn you and say that this time I’m
probably going to write a longer post than usually, i.e. definitely more than
1000 words, so if your ability to understand long written texts is somewhat
limited, you may want to ask someone to help you.
As an introduction I should probably
mention that I am a university student and I study linguistics. It’s not a very
practical thing to study, really, and quite a few of my friends have asked me
why I chose linguistics if there are hundreds of more useful things out there,
ignoring the fact that studying something like, say, engineering or biology does
not automatically make you a winner. No offence to any engineers or biologists out
there.
Okay,
that’s not important. I was supposed to find an excuse for my absence. So: in the
last five weeks I have been writing essays...
... studying for exams...
...
and working on my final paper or thesis or slow and painful death, however you
wish to call it.
Of course the final paper was what
caused me so much pain, drove me crazy and made me go from depression to
euphoria, from euphoria to depression, from depression to euphoria, and finally
from euphoria back to depression in less than 30 seconds at least a thousand
times per day. I can’t even count the number of sleepless nights during the
last month, occasionally I simply forgot what sleeping more than 2 hours in a
row feels like.
So yeah, real
life was not very kind to me. But I’d like to thank my real life friends and
kinmates from LotRO for all the support! Sometimes I felt like being sent on an
absolutely hopeless quest, kind of like Frodo’s task to deliver the One Ring to
Mount Doom. The other day I actually tried to imagine my kinship as the
Fellowship of the Ring! I would be Frodo, of course, because I am the most
important person around here, even though I whine a lot and struggle with seemingly
trivial tasks. In my imaginary alternative universe I’d have the task to
deliver my paper to my department on time.
And
that’s where it gets kind of tricky. You see, I can’t imagine anyone from
Fightclub as Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn or Boromir, even finding a proper Gimli
would be an awfully challenging task. However, this place is full of people
with a very hobbit-y mindset. I mean, everyone talks about cookies, stupid
jokes and silly pranks all the time, there are no truly epic warriors here. I
guess it’s not that bad, so fine – there will be only hobbits in my fellowship.
Seems
good enough so far, except that Ward would be an extremely abusive hobbit,
encouraging me in a very discouraging way and discouraging me in a very
encouraging way. Jerk. Kam and Jara were a lot more supportive.
That’s pretty much how it really was. I
guess it worked, though, because I did finish it on time, sort of, and I
survived all the other things that seemed to be determined to make me want to
commit suicide.
But
of course, the worst part of my seemingly impossible task was thrown at me
today: I had to give a presentation about my thesis. I almost didn’t sleep last
night, I couldn’t eat anything in the morning, I couldn’t do anything because I
was terrified of that presentation – I just lay on my bed and tried to think
happy thoughts. I wasn’t very successful.
Finally I got up and talked to Jara,
hoping it’d make me feel better. He sounded a bit too cheerful, so I gave up
and tried to play Freecell. I didn’t win any games today. Sad.
At
1 PM I walked out of my front door and tried to cheer myself up. I suspect I
had my typical sad smile on my face again, but I couldn’t really do anything
about it.
Eventually
I got to the building where I had to go, found room 438 (that’s where my
presentation was going to be) and walked inside. It was very much like entering
the Vile Maw without radiance gear before they removed radiance from LotRO – if
you don’t remember that time, you’re a bigger newb than I am – and my heart was
almost instantly filled with dread.
I whispered „Good day!“ to
everyone in a barely audible manner, because my voice had suddenly disappeared,
and stumbled towards the back row. I found a free spot, sat down, whimpered
quietly and popped the real life equivalent of a hope token: I logged on to
Skype with my phone and IMed a kinmate of mine, another one of those people who
seem to think like hobbits. He made me feel a lot better. Thanks, Jara!
I
was also delighted to see my friends had decided to show up, even though I
never asked them to do that. I assumed they wouldn’t remember my presentation,
but they did!
At 2 PM it was my turn to talk about my thesis.
I can’t really remember anything about it, but I hope I didn’t have the „oh
god, I am going to die“ look on my face. I really tried to look confident and
when I felt that my strength was not enough, I imagined Jara in the back row
and thought of squirrels, as someone else had suggested. „Vowel harmony has
been lost in all of the words that were borrowed – Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! – and not only in the nominative
case...“
And suddenly it was over. „Is that it?“
I thought to myself and chuckled quietly, thinking that this question almost
begged someone to shout „THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID“ from the back row. I
congratulated myself on completing Real Life T2 and held my breath, waiting to
see whether I beat the challenge or not.
Neither the reviewer nor
my advisor had any kind words for me. „Steve! Steve! Steve!“ I thought to
myself when they wiped my hope buff, desperately trying to keep a smile on my
face.
When they told me my grade about a half
an hour later, I felt relief. It was not as good as I had hoped, but neither
was it as bad as I had feared. It was okay. My friends said it was okay. I
think it was okay. I mean, that’s what I’m still telling myself to make the
disappointment, guilt and bitterness go away. It is done and that’s what
matters. I’m done here and I finally have my degree in linguistics.
And
now I can play video games without feeling bad about unfinished papers and
essays!
Hooray!
